有你的日子，第320天

Time check : 1.46AM.  &  I'm still not asleep. Despite that i didn't really sleep the previous night, went straight to school & work after school. Amazingly, i'm not very sleepy. I don't know why.

These days, things & feelings ain't very positive. I know, whatever i'm doing now, may ruin this relationship one day. Which i don't want to. But there are just something that i can't say it out. I don't know why.

Jena enlighten me alot today. With a long msg she send me, i kind of agree with it. This is what she sent me.
"Relationship comes in pieces.& this is what that pieced you up to be whole again. Compromising is important in a relationship & what it takes is to have a balance in everything you're commitment. I read a book about relationship before & i was enlightened by it. Women think emotionally & guys think practically. Just like how men tend to focus on one problem at a time, they also come to understand & consider problems one piece at a time. They are prone to fail appreciate subtleties that can be crucial to successful solution because they look as a whole & often miss out the small slightest thing that triggers the problem from the start. Whereas, women are born sensitive & we have stronger emotions that sometimes will be too overwhelming. We take care of little things too much till it hurts even when we think about how to mend it. Being alone is hard enough because human tends to not know what they want. So now, being in a relationship, is going to double this because whatever you do, it involved 2 lifestyles & habit. Don't be sad, don't be angry. Use this time wisely to cool down, hear each other out & think through & solve it. Said easier than done. But if no one gonna take the first step, who will? Be strong, be positive & compromise. I'll be your lending ear, secret memo & friends forever."

I've said nothing to her about what's happening. But from what she sees from our Facebook status, she seems to know whats going on. Everytime i'm down, her advise always lighten me abit. I'm really glad that i known her in this life. Thank you Jena.

Yes, boyfriend took the first step in talking to me. But i'm still the same. Kept quiet. Because my thoughts are fighting inside me. Because i'll break down if i start talking. Because i can't control my emotion. As much as i want to talk. I can't. As i've said, theres something in me that i should have let it out. But I just can't.
& i know, he always look at the big picture of everything.
I can only say that its good to look at the big picture of everything. But, sometimes i do feel that my feelings were neglected. At least, from  my point of view, from how i feel.

Reached home after work, & i saw boyfriend posted picture of us when we went for our first kite flying together. & its like a cooling pill. My heart softened, & i literally smiled in front of my lappy while looking at the photo.

Then i opened the folder that contains all our photos. Sweet memories together, i still feel the sweetness & as i click to the next photo, i smiled as i remembered the times we spent.

Before we're together, My virgin experience hitting the club.

Our first outing after we're together. Just the 2 of us. 

The first surprise gift you gave on the last day of 2009.

Our first outing that we can actually spend the whole day together.

 As its very rare for us to have days like that.

Our first month anniversary. Sentosa to fulfil my wish.

Our first trip to Malaysia.

Airport. On my birthday. Its the first time that you're celebrating my birthday with me.

Our first 3D movie.

Our first trip to USS.

Our first kite flying session together with our very first kite.

Our first Halloween at Sentosa. First time you watched horror movie with me.

There's many first time spent together. I miss the times we spend together. I miss us. I miss you dear. 

Alright, hitting 3am already. Shall sleep now. Goodnight. 

有你的日子，第310天

Its the start of November already. Time really really files. 2 more month to the end of 2010.  How fast. Also 2 more month, dear & me 1 year together already. Happy time files. & really, i'm happy this year. Ups & downs, but i'm still happy.

Was looking through my email & i saw this draft i saved long time ago. Its a story i've probably put up before/ show before. Its meaningful, thats why i always kept that story. I shall put it up again this time. Its kind of wordy. If you don't want to read, wait for my next post which is coming up soon(hopefully). 

The story goes like this...

When I got home that night as my wife served dinner, I held her hand and

said, I've got something to tell you. She sat down and ate quietly. Again

I observed the hurt in her eyes.

Suddenly I didn't know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her know

what I was thinking. I want a divorce. I raised the topic calmly. She

didn't seem to be annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly, "why?"

I avoided her question. This made her angry. She threw away the chopsticks

and shouted at me, "you are not a man!"

That night, we didn't talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she

wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly

give her a satisfactory answer; I had lost my heart to a lovely girl

called Dew. I didn't love her anymore. I just pitied her!

With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated

that she could own our house, 30% shares of my company and the car. She

glanced at it and then tore it into pieces. The woman who had spent ten

years of her life with me had become a stranger. I felt sorry for her

wasted time, resources and energy but I could not take back what I had

said for I loved Dew so dearly.

Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to

see. To me her cry was actually a kind of release. The idea of divorce

which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer

now.

The next day, I came back home very late and found her writing something

at the table. I didn't have supper but went straight to sleep and fell

asleep very fast because I was tired after an eventful day with Dew. When

I woke up, she was still there at the table writing. I just did not care

so I turned over and was asleep again.

In the morning she presented her divorce conditions: she didn't want

anything from me, but needed a month's notice before the divorce. She

requested that in that one month we both struggle to live as normal a life as possible.. Her reasons were simple: our son had his exams in a month's

time and she didn't want to disrupt him with our broken marriage..

This was agreeable to me. But she had something more, she asked me to

recall how I had carried her into out bridal room on our wedding day. She

requested that everyday for the month's duration I carry her out of our

bedroom to the front door ever morning. I thought she was going crazy.

Just to make our last days together bearable I accepted her odd request. I

told Dew about my wife s divorce conditions. She laughed loudly and

thought it was absurd. "No matter what tricks she applies, she has to face

the divorce", she said scornfully.

My wife and I hadn't had any body contact since my divorce intention was

explicitly expressed. So when I carried her out on the first day, we both appeared clumsy. Our son clapped behind us, daddy is holding mummy in his arms.

His words brought me a sense of pain. From the bedroom to the

sitting room, then to the door, I walked over ten meters with her in my

arms. She closed her eyes and said softly; "don't tell our son about the

divorce." I nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put her down outside the

door. She went to wait for the bus to work. I drove alone to the office.

On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on my

chest.. I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. I realized that I

hadn't looked at this woman carefully for a long time. I realized she was

not young any more. There were fine wrinkles on her face, her hair was

graying! Our marriage had taken its toll on her. For a minute I wondered

what I had done to her.

On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I felt a sense of intimacy

returning... This was the woman who had given ten years of her life to me.

On the fifth and sixth day, I realized that our sense of intimacy was

growing again. I didn't tell Dew about this. It became easier to carry her

as the month slipped by. Perhaps the everyday workout made me stronger.

She was choosing what to wear one morning. She tried on quite a few

dresses but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, all my dresses

have grown bigger. I suddenly realized that she had grown so thin, that

was the reason why I could carry her more easily. Suddenly it hit me; she

had buried so much pain and bitterness in her heart.

Subconsciously I reached out and touched her head. Our son came in at the

moment and said, Dad, it's time to carry mum out. To him, seeing his

father carrying his mother out had become an essential part of his life.

My wife gestured to our son to come closer and hugged him tightly. I

turned my face away because I was afraid I might change my mind at this

last minute. I then held her in my arms, walking from the bedroom, through

the sitting room, to the hallway. Her hand surrounded my neck softly and

naturally. I held her body tightly; it was just like our wedding day.

But her much lighter weight made me sad. On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step. Our son had gone to school. I held

her tightly and said, I hadn't noticed that our life lacked intimacy. I

drove to office... jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door.

I was afraid any delay would make me change my mind... I walked upstairs.

Dew opened the door and I said to her, "Sorry, Dew, I do not want the

divorce anymore."

She looked at me, astonished. Then touched my forehead. "Do you have a

fever?", She said. I moved her hand off my head. "Sorry, Dew", I said, "I won't

divorce". My marriage life was boring probably because she and I didn't

value the details of our lives, not because we didn't love each other any

more. Now I realize that since I carried her into my home on our wedding

day I am supposed to hold her until death does us apart.

Dew seemed to suddenly wake up.. She gave me a loud slap and then slammed the door and burst into tears. I walked downstairs and drove away. At the

floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet of flowers for my wife. The

salesgirl asked me what to write on the card. I smiled and wrote:

'I'll carry you out every morning until death do us apart'

The small details of our lives are what really matter in a relationship.

It is not the mansion, the car, the property, the bank balance that

matters. These create an environment conducive for happiness but cannot

give happiness in themselves. So find time to be your spouse's friend and do those little things for each other that build intimacy. Do have a real happy marriage!

If you don't share this, nothing will happen to you, but if you do, you

just might save a marriage.

Relationships are made not to exploit, not to be broken.

Next post, i'll update on my trip to Sentosa Spooktacular event with dear ( First ever Halloween event with boyfriend & it really scares the hell out of him ). I'll do it when i really have free time. 

Stay tune..